I keep thinking about a new blog post...thinking about what I want write about, what feelings I need to let out, what pent up emotions need to be released. And the only thing I can really think of is:
I really miss my brother.
Jacob was my best friend and most favorite companion. When we were little, we used to play this game where we would "knight" each other. I don't really remember the point or who created it, but I just remember this one picture of me sitting in a chair, holding a glittery baton, and Jake is on the floor, kneeling in front of me. I'm sure we thought it was the best game and probably played it a lot.
When I was a senior at McEachern, Jacob was a freshman and he rode to school with me. We also picked up a friend nearby, Rachel. Every year, we had a choral festival and that year, it was hosted at McEachern.
**I am a rule-keeper. I was born with a tremendous respect for authority and hate getting in trouble. The following story is one of rebellion and rule-breaking. Mom and Dad, if you're just now hearing about this, I am truly sorry for disappointing you.**
During a free period, some friends and I were talking about lunch and how much we did NOT want cafeteria food. They peer-pressured me into driving to Wendy's for lunch. After sneaking out the back of the auditorium and dodging campus security, I burned rubber out of the parking lot and down to Wendy's. After a hamburger and fries (which I'm pretty sure I did NOT enjoy), we headed back to school. I went to pull into my assigned parking space...and someone was in my space. Getting over the panicked shock, I parked in someone else's spot on the other side of the lot. When the bell rang at the beginning of the year, I raced to my car and pulled it around front so Jacob wouldn't know the difference and tattle...but I had to park in the spot next to mine. Of COURSE he noticed and I swore him to secrecy that he wouldn't tell the parentals. At dinner that night, Mom asked us how school was and what we had for lunch (still not sure why she asked...) and I looked at Jacob and said "A hamburger." His eyes sparkled with our secret and we moved on with dinner.
When I was a senior in college, Jake was a freshman and this time, I LOVED having him on the same campus as me. I loved walking in the student union and seeing Jake in there with his buddies. He would see me and holler "HEY SISTER!" I loved that...so much. One night, I was really upset about something (and not sharing it here...) and I walked in the FSU for a residence life meeting. Jacob was sitting in there and I went straight to him and crawled in his lap, and cried. I'm sure we were quite the picture - a 21 year old sister and her 18 year old little brother who was rocking her like a baby. It's one of my fondest memories.
I miss my brother. Life is not the same without being able to call him up and tell him about life and my dog and my apartment. There are moments in the day where I just have to stop and dwell in my grief. Yes - it still affects me. Yes - I still struggle with it. But I'm becoming quite good at faking it. Most days...
I really miss my brother.
Jacob was my best friend and most favorite companion. When we were little, we used to play this game where we would "knight" each other. I don't really remember the point or who created it, but I just remember this one picture of me sitting in a chair, holding a glittery baton, and Jake is on the floor, kneeling in front of me. I'm sure we thought it was the best game and probably played it a lot.
When I was a senior at McEachern, Jacob was a freshman and he rode to school with me. We also picked up a friend nearby, Rachel. Every year, we had a choral festival and that year, it was hosted at McEachern.
**I am a rule-keeper. I was born with a tremendous respect for authority and hate getting in trouble. The following story is one of rebellion and rule-breaking. Mom and Dad, if you're just now hearing about this, I am truly sorry for disappointing you.**
During a free period, some friends and I were talking about lunch and how much we did NOT want cafeteria food. They peer-pressured me into driving to Wendy's for lunch. After sneaking out the back of the auditorium and dodging campus security, I burned rubber out of the parking lot and down to Wendy's. After a hamburger and fries (which I'm pretty sure I did NOT enjoy), we headed back to school. I went to pull into my assigned parking space...and someone was in my space. Getting over the panicked shock, I parked in someone else's spot on the other side of the lot. When the bell rang at the beginning of the year, I raced to my car and pulled it around front so Jacob wouldn't know the difference and tattle...but I had to park in the spot next to mine. Of COURSE he noticed and I swore him to secrecy that he wouldn't tell the parentals. At dinner that night, Mom asked us how school was and what we had for lunch (still not sure why she asked...) and I looked at Jacob and said "A hamburger." His eyes sparkled with our secret and we moved on with dinner.
When I was a senior in college, Jake was a freshman and this time, I LOVED having him on the same campus as me. I loved walking in the student union and seeing Jake in there with his buddies. He would see me and holler "HEY SISTER!" I loved that...so much. One night, I was really upset about something (and not sharing it here...) and I walked in the FSU for a residence life meeting. Jacob was sitting in there and I went straight to him and crawled in his lap, and cried. I'm sure we were quite the picture - a 21 year old sister and her 18 year old little brother who was rocking her like a baby. It's one of my fondest memories.
I miss my brother. Life is not the same without being able to call him up and tell him about life and my dog and my apartment. There are moments in the day where I just have to stop and dwell in my grief. Yes - it still affects me. Yes - I still struggle with it. But I'm becoming quite good at faking it. Most days...
You're right, Katie, we're all getting good at faking it. The grief is always there, isn't it. I love hearing the stories about you and Jake at school, even if they are ones about you leaving school at lunch. I'm really surprised that he didn't let it slip.
ReplyDeleteI love you, sweetie. Kim's right, Jacob was so very lucky to have you for a sister.
Thanks for sharing with everyone. I truly can't imagine what life in general has been like for you I can't fathom losing Lee or Joseph it would truly be like losing part of myself. I am sad for losing Jacob still myself and always will be he was an icredible person! Anyone who knew him knew that! I love you and keep you and your family in my prayers always! Love your cousin Amanda
ReplyDeleteAs it says on our coffee mug,"masquerading as a normal person can be exhausting" but we have learned it as a great coping skill. Thank you for sharing (but don't expect me to share some of my dirty secrets!) examples of the close bond you and Jacob had. And thank you for being the BEST big sister in the world!
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