I was sitting in French class at McEachern High School. Still a newbie to the junior class (class of 2003, represent!), I didn't know many people, didn't have really solid relationships with anyone. We were working on some class work when my teacher (Madame Guacide - from Martinique) leaves the classroom for a minute then comes back in, all flustered. She says, in a confused and rush voice "They just blew up the Empire State Building!" Everyone's head jerks up and there's a loud "WHAT?!" that explodes from me and my classmates. We rush next door to the other French class and stand there, in shock, as the first World Trade Center tower is erupting in smoke. Minutes later, the second plane hits and everyone is speechless, silent, shocked, angered, yelling, crying...confused, scared, enraged, worried, upset. None of us know who's the culprit or why someone would do such a horrid thing. We then see the news about the Pentagon and the same emotions erupt again. What in the WORLD is happening to our precious country? And who hates us so much? And WHY? The rest of the day is spent watching the news in all my classes. People are being checked out of class by their parents. Everyone is in shock.
My heart has been so heavy, burdened by the loss our country experienced 10 years ago. And I still cannot understand why it happened. I am completely confused that someone had that much hatred in their heart. (Writer's Note: No political debates, answers, reasons, please. This is not the place for them.) All day long, I was reminded of the tragic events that happened a decade ago. And the next thought I had was "A decade? A whole 10 years? Is that even possible?" Well, yes. Time goes on, regardless of how bad we want to slow it down to enjoy time with a newborn or a new love or an aging grandparent. Time never moves any slower or faster - it is steady and consistent. More on that in a few paragraphs.
When I got home from church, I turned the TV on to the first memorial service that I could find. I wound up watching C-SPAN, where they were broadcasting live from Ground Zero and the World Trade Center memorial. There were two people reading the names of the victims. After about 20 names, they ended with "And my mother..." or "And my beloved husband..." or "My dad, a NYPD police officer" ... It went on and on. Different people read names and each ended with a family member that died. I sat on my couch, in my quiet apartment and just cried. My heart ached with grief for those people. They lost their loved one 10 years ago. TEN YEARS. How have they survived? How have they coped? And how are they handling this anniversary, with the entire country watching and observing? I wonder if some of them had just begun to find their "new normal" in life and then all of a sudden, WHAM! The 10 year anniversary is here and it's broadcast across the country, possibly even the world. Grief is a personal and private thing - and everyone handles it differently - how are these people dealing? I am utterly baffled.
At the end of the day, I have a peace in my heart knowing that God was not surprised by this. He wept before, during and after. While I will never have an rock solid answer as to why God allows certain things to happen, I rest in confidence knowing that HE is in control. He is steady and consistent. His timing is perfect and I'm a fool to try and change it. God is glorified even in the most horrific tragedies. I have a hard time accepting that some days, but I know in my soul that it's true. When I reflect on these past two years after losing Jacob, I can pick out a few moments where I had no strength in me and had no choice but to lean on the Lord. And He was glorified in that. There were really happy moments (example: Libby Kate's arrival!) and I KNOW God was glorified in those moments. There were quiet moments where I was alone with my thoughts and reflections and God is glorified in those moments, I'm sure of it.
You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life
In You, death as lost its sting
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