Beware of the weepyness

Is that even a word? Weepyness. It could be defined as an almost constant leakage of the eyes. (My friend David used to say that I was "leaking" when I was crying...strange, but kind of true.)

Beware, friends. I'm in a constant state of weepyness right now. Tuesday, June 14th, will mark the 2 year anniversary of my sweet brother's passing. I can't think of anything else but what I was doing 2 years ago at this time.

I was finally feeling comfortable in my job. After being there for a year, I was getting "in my groove" and things were going just dandy. I was living in Cumming with my friend, Christie, and we were loving life. Things seemed to be going just fine.

Friday, June 12th at approximately 4:15 p.m.... my life took a dramatic 180 degree turn in the totally wrong direction. I called my dad to say hi and to chat and turns out, they were on their way to the hospital. So instead of getting on 285 to go home, I got on 75 South to drive the painfully familiar route to Egleston. I remember calling an old friend from college and just crying the whole way (thanks Tyler). I finally got to CHOA and met Dad outside so he could walk me to the ER. When I saw Jacob, I just wanted to take him and run in the opposite direction. I wanted to get him as far away from that place as I could.

I plan to write more this weekend, on the actual anniversary dates. But I wanted to address the state of weepyness I have found myself in. You may feel inclined to say "Snap out of it!" and to that I would respond with "#@$%*(&^@". This is my life now. Meltdowns are unpredictable. Grief is omnipresent. (yeah, I threw a church word at you. what.) A piece of my heart is forever missing. Nothing can change this. I have spent the last 2 years trying to find ways to deal with this "new normal" and I'm STILL searching for that new routine. So if you catch me in a state of weepyness, I'm most likely thinking about one of the following:

I look at pictures of Jacob and I immediately flashback to sitting beside him after his second transplant, just holding his hand. Mom had to step out for a few minutes, so I went back there to be with him. He wasn't really awake but every once and a while, he would squeeze my hand ever so lightly.

::sorry, no picture of this. It's only in my heart::

I look at pictures of Tucker and instantly bring up the moment Jacob met his baby nephew. Tuck knows who Jake is, can recognize pictures of him and sleeps with a blanket Jake made him.

When I look at Libby Kate, I always have a fleeting thought that she will never know her sweet Uncle Jacob. BUT, I believe with every fiber of my being that he is her guardian angel and watches over her. I'm not a mystical person but I do believe that Jacob looks over Libby Kate with special care. And I know that Ben and Beth will tell her all about him and she will know how much she loves him. It still hurts to know that she will never know his deep laugh or be able to compare scars with him. There is odd comfort in the fact that she now has a matching scar on her side from surgery shortly after she was born. Call me weird, but I think it's really sweet. Just like her.

And when I hear ANY song from Wicked, I'm brought back to the night the 4 of us went to see it at the Fox. Jacob and I sang EVERY word and we listened to it on the way to the Fox and back. And wouldn't you know that the season finale of Glee had the song "For Good" in it? Of course I sobbed my way through it, but that's to be expected. Jacob will always be with me, "like a handprint on my heart..."

I want to share the picture below. It was the moment that I saw Ben after Jacob died. Ben and Beth and Tucker were en route to Georgia when Jacob died and were unfortunately unable to be there. (btw - Texas needs to be a LOT closer to Georgia. Just. Sayin.) I was waiting just outside the waiting room with some friends when Ben rounded the corner. I ran straight to him and just hugged him. I didn't want to let go. At. All. One of my friends took this picture with their cell phone and sent it to me a few months later. I know you may think it's weird to take a picture of grieving siblings but I will always treasure this picture.